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:iconprofessorskrewlews: More from ProfessorSkrewlews




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October 1, 2010
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'"That sounds really weird...what does it feel like?"

-My eyelids close-
Reality disappears
I don't have eyes anymore
-My eyelids open-
I see you standing in front of me
You just asked me a question
-My eyelids close-
My consciousness is all that exists, just floating in the void
I can no longer prove anything else to be real
-My eyelids open-
We are in a small room with two windows
But it's only a trick of thought, just like a dream
-My eyelids close-
You are a figment of my infinite imagination and I just destroyed your whole past, present and future
You don't exist anymore except for in my mind
-My eyelids open-
Once again your are reconstructed from my memory
You and all of existence with you
-My eyelids close-
If I keep my eyes closed long enough I lose contact with memory
I become nothing but endless void in an eternal now
-My eyelids open-
I see you with eyes that are part of a body
I'm inside that body but it is not me, it's merely a possession, a tool
-My eyelids close-
I'm no longer in the body
The body no longer exists
-My eyelids open-
I have to keep up the act that I am human when people are around or they will lock me up
I haven't yet figured out how to change the rules of this reality on a large scale, and death would leave me with only the void.
-My eyelids close-
How ludicrous, having to act like I'm a part of a world that only occupies a fraction of my time and expierience
A pseudo-reality that doesn't even exist when I close my eyes.
-My eyelids open-
I put a thoughtful look on the face so that you will think that I'm thinking of an answer
But it doesn't really matter what I say, you've never felt it so you can't understand
-My eyelids close-
Morality doesn't matter anymore or the people in my memory
I create that pseudo-reality again so that I have eyes to open
-My eyelids open-
"...It's kinda like my life is a film and I'm just watching it happen from a front row seat in the theater."
Yeah... that's close enough....
-My eyelids close-
That is no longer the reality I exist in, but I suffered inside of it for years.

Depersonalization disorder (DPD) is a dissociative disorder in which the sufferer is affected by persistent or recurrent feelings of depersonalization and/or derealization. Diagnostic criteria include persistent or recurrent experiences of feeling detached from one's mental processes or body. The symptoms include a sense of automation, going through the motions of life but not experiencing it, feeling as though one is in a movie, feeling as though one is in a dream, feeling a disconnection from one's body; out-of-body experience, a detachment from one's body, environment and difficulty relating oneself to reality.

Derealization is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems strange or unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one's environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring and depth.
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:iconsuper-iors:
Super-iors Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Student Photographer
So beautiful.
It's written in a way I'd never be able to express.
I've had DR for as long as I can remember. And I'm merely getting worse.
Lovely to read poetry about it, to be able to relate.
Lovely. Truly.
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:iconlittlebonkerslisa:
littlebonkerslisa Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2011
amazing !! ... well done !! .x
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:iconprofessorskrewlews:
ProfessorSkrewlews Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :]
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:iconemptyidentity:
EmptyIdentity Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Artist
Speaking from someone who has been affected by this disorder for quite some time now, and right now being one of worst times it's ever been, I feel like you really get it more than most people do. It's really hard to explain if you haven't felt it [I don't know if you have or haven't, not really my business :) ] but it is honestly one of the most intimidating feelings I can possibly think of, to feel as though your existence has been stolen from you. The thought process of the character is pretty much dead-on. I'm going to favorite.
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:iconprofessorskrewlews:
ProfessorSkrewlews Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)

And yes I have dealt with DP/DR for several years now, a solid year of which was at the level of severity which I describe in Blink though now it is nowhere near that intense. It is one of those things which is simply impossible to understand unless you've lived it which makes it all the more difficult to deal with.
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:iconemptyidentity:
EmptyIdentity Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Artist
It's a horrid feeling, isn't it? It's great to know other people really have felt it and understand. :heart: I hope to one day recover, or at least learn how to cope with it.

Anyway, I just want to really praise what you've written. <3
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:iconprofessorskrewlews:
ProfessorSkrewlews Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Indeed so. My best advice is to think about it as little as possible, the more you notice it the worse it is.
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:iconemptyidentity:
EmptyIdentity Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Artist
That is very true. I try not to focus on it but sometimes it kind of just hits you like a ton of bricks for a while. And this week has been one of those times :/

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:iconprofessorskrewlews:
ProfessorSkrewlews Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Oy.
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:iconjamessnaith:
JamesSnaith Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2010
You did a magnificent job with this – and described the feelings so well.
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